I deserve recovery..

This blog is going to very overwhelming not just for me but for the people who had no idea what was going on.

My sophomore year of high school I came back to school thin and confident. People started noticing me, I gained friends I thought I’d never have. Was I happy? I thought I was of course but I wasn’t. I was numb my whole sophomore year, I don’t remember any of it, literally. I suffered from an eating disorder or disorders and I was yelling for help but I was also on mute so know one heard me. Not even me.

When you think of an eating disorder you probably think, oh she vomited everything she ate or she starved herself. What you don’t know is that it’s more than that. it’s a game your mind plays on you that you continue to lose because if you win you’d end up dead. Bulimia is binge eating followed by purging(vomiting). Anorexia is being obsessive over your weight and what you eat. I suffered from both unfortunately. When I would eat if I would purge it but I was also not getting thin fast enough like I wanted so I would starve myself for a week then I would eat whatever I could get my hands on just to turn around and throw it up. In one month I went from 165-to 130. I wasn’t skinny enough, in my eyes and the mirror both told me I was fat. I constantly told myself I was fat, I was ugly, I’ll never be loved, no one wants me, etc. I kept this up till I was 98 pounds and my parents finally stepped in and got me the help I needed. Was it easy? HELL NO!!! Is it easy still? FUCK NO!! Everyday I eat and I walk past that bathroom and I see that it can be that easy to go back. Or I know how easy it is to say no mom I’m not hungry I’m just tired. With my eating disorders I often equated my thinness with self-worth, it was never enough self worth that I wanted. I know now that I am BEAUTIFUL, I am not a size 0 but a size 4 is still beautiful, heck a size 12 is beautiful.

More than 200,000 us cases a year when it comes to these eating disorders. They both affect 14-18 year old men and women. Women more than men, but still men can go through the same stuff. Know one knows how it happens. It’s sometimes genetic, life changes or stressful situations. My symptoms were denying I was hungry, refusing to eat because it was something I didn’t like, social withdraw(lost all my friends), depression and thoughts of suicide. I got the help I needed before it got to bad. I’m on medication everyday to help me out and I’ll more than likely have to be on it for my whole life but at least I’m getting to where I need to be.

I know now life is hard, life is stressful and people can be straight up mean. You don’t have to let a little bump in the road change your life forever. You are loved and you are worth more than the number on that scale. Just breath and relax and enjoy life. Believe me. You got this, you have the pen to write your own story so make it a great on. Don’t let others influence you to change because you are beautiful, kind, sweet and loved!

If you know someone or you need help.. call tis toll free helpine number for eating disorders.

1-800-931-2237

 

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